everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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