You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
