Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Actions speak louder than pants.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
