Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
