There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I forgot wine drunk hurts
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
