even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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