I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I have aggressive nipples.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
