i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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