I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
