I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
