Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
