You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
