I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
