Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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