There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
