tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
