mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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