Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
