Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Still dying that you shit outside
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
