its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
