I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
