That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
