guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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