yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
