We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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