allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
