The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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