I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
