i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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