Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
