i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
