I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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