the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
