i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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