member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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