I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
