So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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