i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he thought i was a dude.
Do vagina's smell?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
