Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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