Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
