3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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