I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I fill condoms, not promises.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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