I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
