Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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