I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
