You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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