Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
