I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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