Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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