I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
