You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
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