Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
